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¡Saludos, damas, caballeros, primigenios o a cualquier otra cosa que no sea ni una dama, ni un caballero, ni un primigenio!

Me he conseguido aflojar la camisa de fuerza. Sólo un poquito. Lo justo para poder liberar mi brazo izquierdo y escribirles estas letras a modo de saludo.

¡Ups! ¡Vaya desliz! Acabo de informarles de que soy zurdo. Craso error. No debo dar demasiados datos sobre mí. Los ninjas del planeta Urano pueden estar leyendo esto, y sé que aguardan impacientes cualquier información sobre mi persona, para usarla en mi contra.

Ya me he arriesgado demasiado confesando en la columna de la izquierda mi predilección por los dinosaurios expertos en kung fu.

Lo más probable es que hayan acudido a este blog para leer sobre películas realizadas con frutos secos, pero no les pienso dar ese gustazo en la primera entrada. Es como besar a la chica al principio de la historia. No tiene la misma gracia.

Así pues, creo que lo más sensato es continuar hablando sobre animales prehistóricos expertos en artes marciales. Hace años tuve la feliz idea de imaginar una película sobre el tema. ¿Les he hablado alguna vez sobre ella?

¡Claro que no!

De lo contrario, no habrían entrado en este blog.

De lo contrario, no habría entrado yo en esta celda acolchada.

Pasen a mi celda. ¡Vamos! ¡Están invitados! Es agradable. Es como cuando tu muñeca de trapo favorita te devora mientras duermes. Siéntense a mi alrededor y escuchen el sólido argumento de:

LOS TRES DINOSAURIOS BORRACHOS CONTRA LA BRUJA DE MONTAÑA ROJA

El planteamiento de esa peli era sencillísimo:

En la isla de Fuerteventura, unos científicos intentan clonar dinosaurios mezclando ADN de perinquén (reptil típico canario) con sangre antediluviana extraída del mosquito de turno.

Al mismo tiempo, en alguna comarca china (pongámosle algún nombre chino genuino, como “Palillos de oro”, “Pato Laqueado”, “Gran Muralla” o “Todo a cien, trescientos, quinientos y más”) una joven aprendiz de kung fu arroja al viento las cenizas de su difunto maestro.

Merced a una implacable lógica aristotélica, algo imprevisible (es decir, previsible) sucede durante el experimento de clonación de los dinosaurios: El ADN de dichos saurios se mezcla con las cenizas del maestro de kung-fu, dando como resultado:

TRES DINOSAURIOS EXPERTOS EN KUNG FU DISPUESTOS A LUCHAR POR LA VERDAD, EL AMOR Y LA JUSTICIA.

(La frase anterior hay que leerla imaginando cómo los tres dinosaurios efectúan un absurdo kata. Al tratarse de un arte marcial china, habría que utilizar la palabra kuen, en lugar de kata. Pero, ¿a quién le importa?)

Los tres dinosaurios borrachos serían bípedos, parlantes y en lugar de garras, tendrían en sus patas inferiores un par de zapatillas de kung fu (consecuencia derivada del ADN del difunto maestro).

La solemne misión de los tres dinosaurios borrachos es defender la isla de Fuerteventura de las malignas maquinaciones de la Bruja de Montaña Roja y su horda de ninjas prefabricados. Ninjas que, lógicamente, serán más hábiles cuanto más hortera sea el color de su uniforme.

El clímax de la película tendrá lugar en las entrañas de Montaña Roja. Allí, los tres saurios se enfrentarán en un duelo a muerte con la propia bruja, diestra en el manejo de la escoba, y poseedora de un estilo de kung fu muy depurado.

Aceptando el consejo de mi buen amigo Yeray Hernández, incluí en ese momento el punto de giro definitivo: La bruja utiliza una complicada técnica para rechazar los ataques de los dinos que, analizando sus movimientos, llegan a una dramática conclusión: ¡¡La bruja es en realidad la hermana del difunto maestro de kung fu!!

Sé lo que están pensando. Y estoy totalmente de acuerdo con ustedes. Cualquier persona sensata apostaría por un proyecto como éste. Uno tiene la sensación de que la existencia de Biomán, los Teletubbies y los Power Rangers carecería de sentido si no culminase en la consecución de una obra maestra como “Los tres dinosaurios borrachos contra la bruja de montaña roja”.

Pero, ¡nadie me apoya! ¡Nadie apuesta por el ciudadano Kane del cine de artes marciales con dinosaurios! Y sin embargo, cuando propongo hacer un largometraje de terror protagonizado por cacahuetes, a todos les parece una idea estupenda. Es curioso cómo funciona el mundo.

No les culpo. El cine con frutos secos es otra brillante aportación a la historia de la humanidad. El kung fu de los cacahuetes no es tan depurado como el de un dinosaurio modificado genéticamente, pero estos pequeños y entrañables seres guardan bajo sus cáscaras muchas otras sorpresas.

Pretendo dar a conocer en este blog algunas de esas sorpresas, e ir informándoles días tras día sobre cómo cambia la vida de un puñado de pseudo-frikis como nosotros cuando, de repente, conseguimos dar a luz una rareza como Gritos en el Pasillo y, como consecuencia de ello, nos encargan una película de marionetas sobre zombies en el lejano oeste.

¡Maldita sea! Yo quería que mi segunda película fuese un emocionante drama sobre un estúpido niño que descubre su pubertad en un pueblecito, durante la Guerra Civil... Y en vez de eso, me mandan a dirigir la película que haría Jim Henson si estuviese poseído por un demonio kandariano de Sam Raimi. ¡Adiós a mi prestigio! ¡Adiós a mi sueño de hacer algún día una mini-serie basada en los Episodios Nacionales de Galdós! ¡Adiós a la oportunidad de tener una vida sexual saludable! ¡Adiós a todos!

O hasta la vista...

69 comentarios:

Alby dijo...

Siempre te quedará hacer los Episodios Nacionales con Dinosaurios, para contentar a público y crítica.

Pero esta vez el Diplodocus será para mí, cabrón egoísta...

Marilia dijo...

Eres como los japoneses: Si es que lo que no se te ocurra a tí no se le puede ocurrir a nadie más...

Mucha suerte en esta nueva andadura... Sabes que seguiré también por aquí, queriéndome enterar de cualquier novedad.

BSTT!!

Negartija dijo...

Siempre me he sentido un poco cacahuete. Asi que me alegro de que por fin haya una película que nos represente.
...
Aunque te mudes, te seguiré "hasta el infinito y más allá". Lucharé con dinosaurios que saben kun fú, con ninjas de Urano, con garras amarillas bajo las mesas, con hadas muertas y hadas grises, con hombres de capas rojas y hasta con los ladrones de cabezas. Y gritaré como una mandrágora a los Vientos que te nombran:
_"¡¡¡Nunca dejes de escribir historias!!!!".

Juanjo dijo...

Alby, lo de los Episodios Nacionales con dinosaurios es una gran idea, pero tratándose de Galdón, yo los haría expertos de en Taekwondo en lugar de en Kung Fu.

Está bien, esta vez el diplodocus será para ti. Pero los diplodocus no son muy diestros en artes marciales. Se les da mejor destruir Londres.

Marilia, gracias por visitarme también aquí. Gracias por la idea!! Buscaré una productora japonesa para Los 3 dinosaurios borrachos. Seguro que ellos sí le ven posibilidades al proyecto. :P

Negartija: Todos nos sentimos un poco cacahuetes, menos Alby, que se siente avellana. ;) Gracias por tu visita, y por tus palabras!

Abrazos a todos.

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Un avellana es una pájaro atropellado???

En fin, me he leído el post del blog y tengo que decir que esa historia seria un best-seller tremendo si se hace para niños.

Ellos no tienen porqué entender qué significa ser ninja, ni porqué los dinosaurios pierden puntos del carné de conducir, pero ahí donde haya una bruja, si se le añade una casita de mazapán, seguro que se puede vender a niños...o a los padres de estos, que son los que tienen la pasta...o a Loui Buitoni, que también es quien tiene la pasta...

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Cierto, Melonian!

Además, los niños aprecian el kung-fu. Yo tenía unos 9 años la primera vez que vi FURIA ORIENTAL. Y eso por no hablar de los kung fu Kids!

Además, ahora que lo pienso, esta historia se parece mucho a la de las Tortugas Ninja :P

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